DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness: DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST

The interpersonal effectiveness module of DBT provides structured frameworks for navigating three common relational challenges: making requests or saying no (objective effectiveness), maintaining the relationship (relationship effectiveness), and preserving self-respect (self-respect effectiveness). These skills are particularly valuable for individuals who tend to sacrifice their own needs to avoid conflict, or who struggle with assertiveness.

DEAR MAN is the skill for objective effectiveness — getting what you want or need from an interaction. Describe the situation factually, Express your feelings using "I" statements, Assert your request or refusal clearly, Reinforce the other person by explaining the positive consequences of complying. Mindfully stay focused on your goal without being sidetracked, Appear confident through your posture, tone, and eye contact, and Negotiate if necessary by offering alternative solutions.

GIVE is the skill for relationship effectiveness — maintaining the quality of the relationship during difficult conversations. Be Gentle (no attacks, threats, or judgments), act Interested (listen actively and show genuine curiosity), Validate the other person's feelings and perspective (even if you disagree), and use an Easy manner (be light-hearted where appropriate and avoid rigidity).

FAST is the skill for self-respect effectiveness — ensuring you feel good about yourself after the interaction. Be Fair to both yourself and the other person, avoid Apologising excessively or unnecessarily, Stick to your values (do not compromise what matters to you), and be Truthful (do not exaggerate, lie, or act helpless). Balancing all three types of effectiveness is itself a dialectical skill — sometimes you may prioritise the relationship over your objective, or your self-respect over the relationship, depending on the situation and your values.