Continuing Bonds: Maintaining a Connection After Loss

Earlier models of grief emphasised the importance of "letting go" of the deceased and "moving on." Contemporary research by Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman, and Steven Nickman has challenged this view, proposing instead that maintaining a continuing bond with the deceased is a normal, healthy part of the grieving process. This does not mean denying the reality of the loss — rather, it involves renegotiating the relationship from one based on physical presence to one based on memory, legacy, and enduring emotional connection.

Continuing bonds can take many forms: talking to the deceased person (in your mind or aloud), preserving their belongings or creating a memorial, maintaining traditions that were important to them, seeking their guidance or imagining what advice they would give in difficult situations, and incorporating their values and lessons into your own life. For many bereaved individuals, these practices provide comfort, meaning, and a sense of ongoing relationship that supports adjustment to the loss.

It is important to distinguish between healthy continuing bonds and patterns that may indicate complicated grief. If the bond is experienced as comforting and meaning-making, and if it coexists with engagement in present-day life and relationships, it is generally adaptive. If the bond involves persistent, anguished yearning that prevents you from engaging with life, a refusal to accept the reality of the loss, or compulsive rituals that consume significant time and energy, it may benefit from professional support.

Cultural context is also important. Different cultures have very different norms around the relationship between the living and the dead, and what constitutes a healthy continuing bond varies accordingly. Your therapist will work with you to understand your grief within your own cultural framework.